1. Decide to go to the playground. Begin process of leaving the house.
2. Tell toddler he’s got to get dressed. Go upstairs. Get clothes. Come downstairs to dress toddler. Where is toddler? Toddler is hiding.
3. Search for toddler.
4. Find toddler behind the bathroom door. Chase toddler into the kitchen. Practice Zen breathing while your toddler does an alligator death roll on the floor of your kitchen to prevent you from putting his legs into his jeans.
5. Notice all the crumbs on your floor. Gross. Make a mental note to mop.
5. Screw Zen breathing. Threaten a time out if the toddler doesn’t let you dress him. He finally complies. You dress toddler. Wait – where are his shoes?
6. Look for shoes. Find shoes. Repeat Steps 4 and 5 as you put on his shoes.
7. Snacks. You have to pack snacks. Raisins, apple, crackers – you should probably bring something with protein. Put some nuts in a Ziploc bag.
8. Find purse. Put all the snacks in your purse.
9. Do you have enough diapers? Double check. Yes. But you’re low on wipes. Go back upstairs for wipes.
10. Come downstairs and announce it’s time to leave! Oh – wait. The baby needs a jacket. And probably a diaper change, too.
11. Go upstairs again. Get baby’s jacket and a new diaper. Go downstairs.
12. Change baby’s diaper and put on her jacket. Toddler sings her a song. The two of them look so adorable together that you get up and find your phone to take a picture. Text the picture to your husband, post it on Facebook, and select an awesome Instagram filter for it. You can’t help it – you’re just so in love with the two of them, alligator death rolls and all.
13. Put baby in car seat. Baby starts to cry because she hates the car seat with a passion. Where is a pacifier? You can’t ever find a pacifier. You own, like, twenty-two pacifiers. Do you know how many you can locate right now? One. Just one. And it’s upstairs. Go back upstairs.
14. Say, “Okay, it’s time to leave!” Pick up purse, pick up car seat, hustle toddler towards the door. Congratulate yourself because no one is currently crying or bleeding.
15. Wait – you need a water. You are SO desperately thirsty. You cannot leave without a water bottle. If you get to the park and don’t have water, you will surely die. Put everything down, go into the kitchen, and fill up a water bottle.
16. Your stomach growls. When was the last time you ate? Forever ago. Maybe you should pack a snack for yourself, too…
17. Grab a big piece of chocolate and stuff it into your mouth while hiding in the pantry. You’re not willing to share.
18. Head out the door. Pull on your shoes and jacket as you go. Load everyone and everything into car. Get into car. Realize you don’t have the keys.
19. Go back inside. Look for keys. Where are your keys?! Find them under a couch cushion.
20. Go back to the car. NOW it’s REALLY time to leave. Yay!
21. Realize you haven’t brushed your teeth or hair today. Is it worth going back inside? If you don’t, you’ll run into people you know at the park. If you do, the playground will be totally empty. Hmmm. Compromise – pop a mint and run your fingers through your hair.
22. Pull out of the garage. Back directly into your husband’s car.
23. Get out. Inspect the damage. Decide a baby wipe can probably fix this (baby wipes can fix a lot of things). Furiously rub a baby wipe on the scratch until the paint transfer comes off. Looks pretty decent. Make another mental note to confess to husband later.
24. Get back into car. Finish backing out without destroying more property.
25. Drive away. One mile later, you remember that you left your water bottle on the counter.
This is my life everyday