Why Me?

on June 9, 2009

Today was a typical day in Caitlin-land…

Work was alright. I finished up my day shift and had two mid-afternoon snacks — random cereal:

In a tupperware bowl. 🙂

And a bowl of fruit (banana + nectarine).

I’ve noticed my ability to eat a "real dinner" is diminishing rapidly as I try to juggle my two jobs. This is the second day in a row I’ve relied on PB sammies to get me through! Eaten around 6 PM:

Part of the reason why I’m so obsessed with Amazing Grass is that I can get my vegetables in quickly and easily. This is one of the few products I’ve reviewed on the blog that I will actually go out and buy myself when my free stash is gone. It’s amazing!

I had a glass with Almond Breeze after my workout:

Mmmm…. sweaty + vegetables = happy Caitlin!

Why Me?

My workout tonight consists of a 2.0 mile walk, which I completed in 30 minutes. All I could think about on the first half of my walk was how I once WON a 5K race. It’s so easy to fall into the poor-me trap when you are injured. I try to balance my negative thinking with positive thoughts — like, "at least I can walk!" But truthfully, sometimes I just want to have a giant pity-party for myself.

One year again, I would’ve told you that I’d be training for my third or fourth half-marathon at this point, or even my first marathon. Tell God your plans, and he will laugh in your face. I never could of predicted that I would be faced with such a horrible, degenerative knee condition — but such is life.

While on my walk, I decided it would a good idea to ask "Why Me?" And I surprised myself when I came up with an answer. Anyone who knows me in the "real world" would tell you that my worst personality trait is my deep, deep impatience. I have trouble waiting for things; I want instant gratification; I want problems to be solved NOW. This aspect of my personality has cost me a lot of money, a few friends, and several other opportunities.

I think that this journey is God’s way of teaching me an important lesson. I need to have patience with my body; I need to listen to my doctor; and I need to have faith that my body can heal itself, no matter how long it takes.

Maybe my knees are trying to tell me something.

Maybe I just need to take a deep breath and chill out. The answer will come. I will heal. And maybe, just maybe, I will run that marathon next year.

{ 49 comments }

girlrunningaround June 9, 2009, 6:56 pm
Great change of attitude. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and there is always a lesson to be learned.

And regarding your question about my wedding photos thru Twitter–I sued them. They were too cowardly to show up in court. I'm about 2 weeks away from finalizing a defautl judgment, then I get to start looking for assets to garnish. Probably will never get my actual photos. 🙁
RhodeyGirl/Sabrina June 9, 2009, 6:59 pm
sending you a blog hug dear.

stay strong!
Michelle (PinQue) June 9, 2009, 7:12 pm
Just keep your head high! I am impatient like you, although that usually gets in the way in the planning field!
Katherine June 9, 2009, 7:13 pm
Just remind yourself that everything happens for a reason! I hurt myself very badly within my first week after moving to NYC and I was so miserable for a while, but I realized it was exactly what I needed to refocus my energy and settling in to my new surroundings and shifting my priorities. Cheer up!!
Amy June 9, 2009, 7:18 pm
I'm sorry you are feeling so blue.
jane June 9, 2009, 7:18 pm
good attitude, caitlin. i know it's hard to grin and bear it when you feel like screaming and punching the wall (or is that just me?) but in the end, the only way you can change the present is to chose HAPPINESS and PEACE OF MIND.

(which is easier to say than do, something i realize being an impatient person myself)
but i know you, me, and everyone else out there who suffers from chronic impatience can find the strength inside ourselves to live in the present and enjoy it, too!
Caitlin at Healthy Tipping Point June 9, 2009, 7:21 pm
amy – dont worry i'm not that blue 🙂 kind comments make me feel better!! thank you guys!
Bec June 9, 2009, 7:22 pm
It sucks that you have to be on a running hiatus right now but I think you are handling it fairly well looking to other forms of exercise to keep you going rather then just being a big pity party on the couch!
Tammy June 9, 2009, 7:27 pm
It's a beautiful thing that you can find meaning through a challenging situation! Good for you!!
Tanya June 9, 2009, 7:28 pm
Awww my heart goes out to you.I've been in funks like that before, but I truly believe that when you can't do one thing (like running in your case), it's the opportunity to connect with something else – something you might never have tried if you were constantly running – walking, yoga,classes, cycling, hanging with friends, reading, eating better, trying new foods, trying new things, traveling just because, road trips … just to name a few things 🙂
iowagirleats June 9, 2009, 7:31 pm
Girl I know how you feel – I think it's our generation. I HATE waiting for anything…literally, anything. It's so hard to chill out and…well, wait…but it's a character builder to learn how to do just that!
Anonymous June 9, 2009, 7:34 pm
I'm a long-time reader, first-time commenter… I was just wondering which type of Amazing Grass you like the best/would recommend? I checked out their website but I couldn't decide what would be the best choice for me.
-Kristen
eatingjourney June 9, 2009, 7:38 pm
I am totally the same way. I've gained some weight and I think to myself 'I look this or that or these used to fit a different way'. I just have to remind myself that it's one day at a time. It's gotten you into biking..and with your hubby. You've done other things fitness wise that you might not have done. You're only human. Be gentle with yourself…
The Reeds June 9, 2009, 7:46 pm
Hey, I've TOTALLY been there. My back got so bad in college I had to quit running.. It's a silly thing.. but I really had to "give it up" to the Lord… It was HARD! I took pride in my running and "my" ability… I gave it up and focused on other things.. And After a few years my ankles and back were better and I started taking ti easier, going slower- but I started running again!

I'm sure you will find a way to either run again some day or you'll find something that's even better for you.

sorry for it though!!
Mica June 9, 2009, 7:49 pm
I'm pretty impatient too, so I understand your reasons for a pity party! I think you're doing a great job being mature and responsible about your knee. If nothing else, your an inspiration for me to take it easy when I feel knee twinges!
Low June 9, 2009, 7:50 pm
That was a great post, and your great attitude proves that you ALREADY HAVE learned something from this experience, which is a blessing. It's so hard to always look on the bright side though, so don't be afraid to let those feelings out. That's what we're hear for : )
runsarah June 9, 2009, 7:53 pm
*hugs for you* I've just started to experience knee problems and they are the one thing holding me back from half marathon training.
CeciLiA June 9, 2009, 7:55 pm
It is definitely easy to fall into the 'Why Me' trap – I often question myself, why don't I get to relish/enjoy life like everyone else is? I still have not found the answer to that. BUT! I love your attitude towards it! You rock girl!!

P.s.: You are so so gorgeous (inside and out!)
Nutritious is Delicious June 9, 2009, 7:56 pm
God works in the most amazing ways! I am glad you are realizing how he is working in your life!

I may have to try Amazing Grass sometime!
Joelle (Chasing Pavements) June 9, 2009, 8:04 pm
Wow, reading that last half of your post made me think I was reading a chapter out of my own bio.. I'm always in a rush too, and it's cost me a couple times with running. Just stay strong, and remember- you are young and, as you said, we never know what will happen next- maybe you'll be running a 1/2 this time next year. Who knows! 🙂
*Andrea* June 9, 2009, 8:04 pm
great quote. roll with the punches or as my mom says 'when the going gets tough, the tough gets going' 😉 you rock! i love that you used tupperware because i ALWAYS do for snacks such as cereal and dried fruit. the perfect size container and cheaper than plates/bowls! althoughnot as glamorous
Oh She Glows June 9, 2009, 8:09 pm
I appreciate your honesty about your injury..there were many days when I threw myself a pity party when I was injured. I still have a hard time coming to grips that I will probably never be able to run a marathon due to my weak bones. It sucks, but I know you will triumph! You do so amazingly well finding new activities that you enjoy…I can totally see you rocking some bike races….swimming…rock climbing- the sky is the limit! I hope you are feeling better tomorrow. I bet the stress of the jobs is not helping your mood with your injury, huh?
Oh She Glows June 9, 2009, 8:09 pm
PS- I TOTALLY agree about Amazing Grass I will be buying it for SURE!!!
Ali June 9, 2009, 8:10 pm
I am an extremely impatient person also and I think that has been one of my biggest challenges since starting to run again 2 months ago. I wanted to go straight back to the high level I was at before. I think God was testing me by forcing me to enjoy the small gains each day with my fitness and, more importantly, to simply enjoy the act of running, rather than the single minded focus of training and getting faster.
Angie Eats Peace June 9, 2009, 8:19 pm
I am also very impatient, and would probably feel identical, if I was in your situation.
I think your answer to Why Me? is very insightful, and makes alot of sense.
Jenn June 9, 2009, 8:34 pm
Your attitude is so inspiring! I loved the end of your post, you said everything so beautifully. I really admire your outlook!
On another note I went of my first bike ride using a road bike and OMG I LOVE IT! I did 24 miles and it felt amazing. I had previously gone 18.5 miles using a mountain bike but wow on a road bike I feel like im flying! And at first I might a have been when I did a mile in 3:20 but that pace slowed I finish the 24 miles in 110mins. Which I felt pretty good about. Running bother my knees too so I think now I just might be a bike convert!
Anna June 9, 2009, 8:39 pm
"Maybe my knees are trying to tell me something"- I love it! Well, I don't love that you are struggling with your knee issues, but I DO love this perspective.

My favorite yoga teacher begins class by having us mentally "listen" to each part of our body, and asks us to listen to what it has to say today. Sometimes they say "I'm hurt", "be careful with me", "put food in me" or "challenge me today." I think it's such a beneficial way of perceiving ourselves, and I love your idea that our body parts could tell us not only how they felt, but speak to something bigger in our lives.
ChickPea June 9, 2009, 9:46 pm
This post made me think of the lyrics from a Clay Aiken song (don't judge!): "If you wanna make God laugh, all you gotta do is tell Him your plans."

So true.
Hallie June 9, 2009, 9:47 pm
What an inspiring, honest post. I throw myself way too many pity-parties, and I've really been working on being grateful for what I do have.

Seriously, thank you for posting this!
Sarah (LovIN My Tummy) June 9, 2009, 11:38 pm
I definitely had the "why me"s after my injury, and then I realized that there are a lot of people in this world in permanent chronic pain, that can't even walk. Even if just gaining that empathy is all I learned from my injury, that in and of itself is a huge gift.

You'll find yours too.
Thinspired June 10, 2009, 2:44 am
I can only imagine your frustration, Caitlin, but you are so positive and enthusiastic all the time that I think you deserve a few moments to question the way things have played out.
Life is change. Nothing stays the same. Sometimes that can suck and sometimes it's a gift. I love how you have picked up cycling and made it your new "thing,"–it's a great reminder to me and your other readers that change can be good, and that we can challenge ourselves when circumstances make it tough to stick to what we are comfortable with.

Your posts have always been inspiring but lately they are especially so because you are taking on some tough things (injury, crazy working hours) and powering through and still looking awesome in the process 😉
Susan June 10, 2009, 3:10 am
I had bananas + nectarines with my dinner last night too…It seemed like an odd combination but was a nice mix of flavors!

I don't think anyone will fault you for being down about your injury every now and then. You are generally pretty positive about the situation and in working with what you can do for the time being. You will heal and get back on track for your goals, but it may just take a little longer than you would like. Victory will be that much sweeter knowing that you worked so hard (even in resting!) to get there.
Stacey June 10, 2009, 3:24 am
Oh my gosh, this post couldn't of come at a better time! This month was the month that I had signed up for the half marathon, my first, I was going to do until my injury. Now I can barely run a 10 minute mile.

We have to remember not to be so hard on ourselves and that everything will work out. Im trying to cope with the fact that I might not run it this year, but I will run it SOMEDAY.

You hang in there girlie 🙂
Caitlin at Healthy Tipping Point June 10, 2009, 3:32 am
kristien – i think it depends on your needs 🙂 but i can ttell you that i will either buy the green superfood or the wheat grass. i like them both because they are lower cal (30 calories or less comapred to 110 in the superfood meal option). and i can mix it with less water/milk, which means it is more easily chuggable.

runsarah – i am so sorry you are having knee problems!!! 🙁 rest up!

celicia – thank you 🙂

jenn – YAY for biking! that's a good time!

you all are so sweet and supportive… thank you.
seesaraheat June 10, 2009, 5:44 am
I love what you said and I don't think I could've said it better myself. Its all true, plus you are very young and there are grandmas in their 80's running marathons. Just keep a positive frame of mind and know that the patience you try to have now will pay off someday for you 🙂 Take care!
Holly June 10, 2009, 5:53 am
I am absolutely the same way…I have a hard time seeing other runners out there who might not be doing the "right" things to prevent injuries(stretching, cross-training, etc.), yet they're still out there! I swear, there should be Runner Injury Support Groups.

I have a good feeling about you going to a new doctor – and I hope you get some more answers! Finding the right doctor might really be the key. I hope and pray your knees stop hurting soon!
Stephanie June 10, 2009, 5:59 am
Caitlin– I absolutely love your blog– I read it several times a day! I never comment but I just wanted to tell you that I admire your attitude and I am so glad that you realize God does have a wonderful plan for you!! I just completed my first 5K two weeks ago, and as a beginning runner, I am having horrible shin splints right now- bad enough to where I have to take week(s) off as well! It certainly makes it easier to focus on the positive things in life. It will all work out and you just keep your head up pretty girl! 🙂

Proverbs 3:5-7
Caitlin at Healthy Tipping Point June 10, 2009, 6:01 am
stephanie – thank you for your sweet comment. i looked up that proverb and although i'm not a christian, i'm down with that message! it's lovely. i definitely believing in leaning on god. 🙂
Kelly June 10, 2009, 6:15 am
I really need to read your blog sometimes just to keep myself on track. I woke up this morning to bike ride, but something was up for my pump so I couldn't go. It took me so long to deal with it that I had no time to work out at all. I was so frustrated and just kept thinking- if only I could just GO FOR A QUICK RUN! No materials and work required before hand! It gets so frustrating but I tend to be a bit impatient too, so maybe thats why I have issues with my knee too. I think it's okay for you to have a pity party every once in awhile though 🙂
Matt June 10, 2009, 6:32 am
Good attitude. If you are patient and willing enough, you'll run that marathon next year!
Leila June 10, 2009, 6:40 am
Great post Caitlin and thanks for your enduring honesty. I was recently injured as well and it really took a lot for me to realize that I need this body for a good 30 or 40 more years (if not more!) That my physical goals are beyond a race or a challenge, but to ensure that I live a healthy life. Just think, you may not run a marathon this year or next, but if you let your body heal and listen to it, you could be running marathons into your 60s! have a great day!
Life Coach Jen June 10, 2009, 6:52 am
I feel for you, and I'm sorry you're facing this condition. I really do believe in the power of the mind, though, and I believe with patience and time you can heal your knee, and that someday you'll be running those long distances again! And who knows what this experience may be teaching you; you could learn something incredible during this time that will forever shape your life and help you to teach others, so keep your chin up!
Fitzalan June 10, 2009, 7:07 am
Your why me write up is an exact conversation I have had with myself so many times in the past 2+ years. I went from being a long distance runner/triathlete to blowing out my knee. I just couldn't understand why it happened. Being on crutches for a year was horrendous. To get my outdoor/running fix, I would go for crutches around the neighborhood and think this exact question.
I think the answer for me is that it made me quit being a perfectionist. There is more to life than being perfect…like maybe being happy.

It is a bit crazy of how the bad things that are thrown to you in life may actually be done to make you a better, happier person in the long run.

Happiness Awaits
The Healthy Apple June 10, 2009, 7:50 am
Keep your head up…and way to be positive about your knee trouble…as I've said before..I'm in the same boat and can no longer run…it's frustrating but hang in there…also, I was reading Fitness magazine this morning and thought of you because there is an article on Cycling and I thought you may want to check it out…
Have a great day. Hope the sun is shining in Florida bc we haven't seen the sun in forever up here in Manhattan.
Best,
Amie
Dee June 10, 2009, 8:49 am
Matt Fitzgerald writes about his own experience with chondromalacia in his book, Brain Training for Runners.

You'll read how he made a comeback from this condition and went on to run marathons!

See the "How To Outsmart Injuries" chapter, specifically pages 170-172.
sarah June 10, 2009, 3:28 pm
I love your attitude. It is so much more mindful and productive than remaining in the pity-party mode (although I certainly indulge in a pity party more often than I'd like to admit!)

I love the idea of asking "why me?" in a way that really looks at the potential for growth and self-awareness rather than remaining on the level of victim.

Thanks for reminding me!
Jenn Eats Nutritiously Now June 10, 2009, 4:08 pm
I think it's great that you can learn something from your injury like that. I have a feeling you're right.
Mrs. Myers June 11, 2009, 3:33 pm
I think one of the most powerful questions is not Why Me? But Why not Me? It's something I've been incorporating into my life. Best to you.
Kim June 11, 2009, 6:42 pm
Caitlin,

(((HUGS))) I think you have a wonderful attitude. I am faced with a similar situation right now. I am training for a half marathon & have a foot injury. I was running 25+ miles/week and now I am on cross training only with some light walking. It is very frustrating. I was able to start slow, easy jogs and did 1 mile today. I kept wanting to go faster b/c I felt that I could, but I had to force myself to stay at a nice, slow pace so that I could ease back in the right way.

Hang in there. try to be patient. I know it stinks.

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